Dear Santa...

Let's see if I can deal with Giftmas before it comes around this year?

Hi! How is everyone? I've been a good boy. Well, better than usual, I think. Certainly better than last year, but I suspect that's a reflection of my general happiness than anything else.

I don't really need anything. I've got what I need. Of course, Giftmas isn't about what I need. It's about what I want. Ultimately, I don't really care what you give me as long I get to see you or talk to you this holiday season.

However, if you feel so compelled, this Giftmas, I would like...

The obligatory world peace
The more authentically heartfelt safe return of our troops abroad
A brain, for the President
An Aston Martin V12 Vanquish S or DB9
A Subaru WRX STi
Gag licence plates, front and back, for my Acura RL
A Jolly Roger car flag
An interesting shifter knob
An in-car AM/FM stereo with CD player and auxiliary audio jack, especially the jack, so I can plug in an iPod
To be with my family for Christmas Day
A Green Card
Dinner at The Hump or Matsuhisa
A date to go with dinner
A bottle of Hokusetsu Junmai Daiginjo YK35
A live 5 lb Pacific lobster
A spandex superhero costume
Being able to look good in said costume
A 3/4-length leather coat
Shoes
Banded collar shirts
A black scarf
DVDs: Return of the King Extended Edition, The Two Towers Extended Edition, House of Flying Daggers
CDs: none come to mind
Game cards for World of Warcraft
An Amber campaign, in Las Vegas or SoCal
A pocket watch
A Canon EOS 20D digital SLR camera
A train set that I can run all around the house
Wil Wheaton's Just a Geek or Dancing Barefoot

After all is said and done, I just want to spend time with my friends, old and new.

The Lists of Christmas Past

2003 | 2002 | 2001 | 2000 | 1999 | 1998

2003

Guess what? I forgot to make a list in 2003. Here's what I would have wanted most, though.

The obligatory world peace
A brain, for the President

2002

Well, this one's going up really late this year. Four days. Go for it!

The obligatory world peace
A brain, for the President
A desk lamp iMac
A Pets.com sock puppet
The best briefcase ever made
An Iron Chef apron
A 10" cast iron pan
DVDs: Star Wars Episode II, Top Gun
CDs: "In the Summer" (Jane Monheit)

2001

This Giftmas, I would like...

The obligatory world peace
Dinner with Sofia Vergara
A Chinese lion dance lion head with tail
Black leather jacket
XBox games: "Madden NFL 2002," "Dark Summit"
Cuff links
A pocket watch
LEGO Millennium Falcon
LEGO TIE Interceptor
LEGO My Eggo
LEGO X-Wing Starfighter
A giant bucket of LEGO stormtroopers
Jerry curls on a stick
Sashimi-grade fish (albacore, yellowtail, salmon)
Black dress shoes
Black casual dress shoes
Brown casual dress shoes
Blue suede shoes
Skintight rhinestone outfit with a low low low V-neck
A Brooks Brothers suit
A bear suit (more)
A cat condo
A cat hammock
Broadway tickets: "The Producers," "The Lion King," "Cabaret"
DVDs: "Rush Hour 2," "Episode I: The Phantom Menace," "The Princess Bride (Special Edition)," "Swordfish"
A pair of tickets to see Iron Chef USA
A Dodge Ram painted like a Tonka truck
Scanty but classy Victoria's Secret lingerie
Nude Victoria's Secret model to put in aforementioned lingerie
A class ring... Cornell University, B. Sc., 1997
I got the Pamela Anderson boob pouch. Thanks!

2000

Black Friday has come and gone. Judging by the hubbub in the malls and the incessant cheerful tunes played instead of the usual Muzak, it must be almost time for Christmas. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:

Yeah, ham.

No not ham, you fat fuck!

Fuck you!

Christmas is about something much more important.

What?

Presents.

This Christmas, I would like...

Forgiveness from Trey Parker and Matt Stone for ripping off part of their "The Spirit of Christmas" script.
The obligatory world peace
A lovely brunette girlfriend
A piece of the pie
An oversized sweater
A conservative cardigan
A Chinese lion dance lion head with tail
A dryer that works
Cuff links
A pocket watch
An IBM Thinkpad X-series laptop
A Sony VAIO SR-series or Z-series laptop
A portable printer
A pair of tickets to see Emeril Live
A reservation for 8 at Nobu
A Brooks Brothers suit
Broadway tickets: "Cabaret," "Footloose," "The Lion King," "Rent"
DVDs: "Gladiator," "American Beauty," "Chicken Run"
A Volkswagen Beetle painted like Pikachu
A Dodge Ram painted like a Tonka truck
A class ring... Cornell University, B. Sc., 1997
One of Pamela Anderson's silicone implants

1999

Guess what, everybody, it's almost Christmas! <communal cheering> Do you know what that means? Yes! It means we should all start doing some of that wonderful Christmas shopping for all our close personal friend and family! Oh yes! Do you know what makes this Christmas extra special though? I am going to be one of your close personal friends this year! That's right! I know I haven't kept in touch with a lot of you, and I'm sorry, but work's been a real bitch.

Since we haven't kept up with each other, I've taken the liberty of writing up a Christmas wish list. I know some of you are rich (Hi, Ross!) and some of you aren't quite so rich (Hi, Ken!), so I've taken the liberty of including gifts from all price ranges, too.

One more thing: I've been a very very very very very good boy this year.

Here's the list:

The obligatory world peace
One of Pamela Anderson's silicone implants (Oh, God, please! She had them taken out this year! Someone please get me one!)

1998