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June 25, 2008
Beautiful Day
The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town
You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination
You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case
See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day
(U2)
Posted by KinCross at 10:56 AM | Comments (0)
Grandma's House
I just found out that my grandparents' home in Ottawa is older than the country.
All the more reason to find a way to save it, renovate it, and keep it in the family.
Posted by KinCross at 9:55 AM | Comments (1)
June 24, 2008
Dying, one mm Hg at a time
My then-girlfriend once told me that she read my entire blog and said that there was a big difference in tone between when I started in 2001 and when she read it in 2006.
Looking back, I started with things I was peeved about, sometimes blowing up into full-on rants. I was angry and bitter and held a lot of it in, until the blog came around. Then, I had a venue to unleash it all. At least it had somewhere to go other than inward.
Looking at the intervening time and myself today, a lot has changed and a lot hasn't. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. I've done some really amazing things and gathered grand stories to tell, worthy of hours and hours by the fireplace in a rocker with grandchildren.
I've danced with lions in Brooklyn Chinatown, taken stunning pictures from atop majestic mountains, and made a wedding party cry from emotion. I've altered people's relationships with their families, met some really interesting people, loved and lost.
Yet, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see success. I see where I've let people down, where I have failed, and what I am still missing in my life. Unfortunately, my attitude has been that the problems of one little person don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, and in the current economic climate, we can't even afford the beans.
I don't matter.
"I don't matter" runs my life. I drive like the freeway is a game of Spy Hunter--or I did, until I started experimenting to see if I could get my car to do better than 20 mpg in the city. I eat like I'm not made of what I put in my mouth. I live like no one would miss me if I were gone.
I'm sure I matter to someone out there. I'd probably be able to fill a room when I pass away. Right now, though, I can't see what good I am for anyone, anything, or the world, and least of all for me.
I'm dying. Not spectacularly in a blaze of glory, but one millimetre of mercury at a time. In somewhat less dramatic wording, I have alarmingly high blood pressure. Cholesterol isn't doing so great either.
I'm on meds, but that's just a mask for the underlying problems of diet, exercise and stress. I have plenty of knowledge about the ailment and plenty of avenues to discover more. If I cared.
But I don't.
It's not like I'm actively looking to die; I'm not. I'm just barely trying to fight it off. Intellectually, I know I should, but day to day, it all seems like the day before.
I'm 34 years old and I still feel like I'm straight out of college, carrying debt, and wondering how the hell this is all going to work out. I want someone else to take care of all the things I don't want to so I can just go out and have fun.
So I end up throwing up a facade, like I have it all together, when I'm standing on shaky ground. I'm afraid of telling it like it really is, because I can't stand the thought of others thinking less of me. I can't stand the appearance of being flawed.
Flaws. Avoiding the revelation that I have any has been such a driver. I'm trapped by having to be perfect in everything, or reacting viciously when anything negative happens. Sure, I can do it with a smile and a sweet voice, but I cut and then sugar coat it.
Right now, with so many things bubbling up to the point where I can't contain them--more to the point, where I'm no longer sufficient by myself to deal with what's ailing me--all I want to do is cut everyone off and withdraw.
I'm apathetic. I go where the wind blows. I've read enough books and seen enough movies now to know where that goes.
This ship needs a destination worthy of the journey.
Posted by KinCross at 11:02 PM | Comments (0)
June 8, 2008
In the trenches with Barack Obama
Here's a speech that Barack Obama gave to his campaign staff in Chicago (and around the country by conference call): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnhmByYxEIo.
Posted by KinCross at 1:00 PM | Comments (0)