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October 06, 2005
How good are you willing to have it?
A lot's been going through my mind of late, not nearly a percent of which has been put on paper, online, or even voiced. Since I've done a decent share of talking, what that really means is that I've been talking a lot to myself in my head.
Being alone in your head, talking to yourself, is a dangerous place to be.
I don't know about you, but the little voice in my head--I've named him Judas, in case you're wondering, Bridget--isn't really my friend. He's been there with me all my life, but his agenda is very different from mine. See, I have dreams. I have ideas, notions, concepts, and goals of what I want in life, what would make things absolutely phenomenal.
And Judas' job is to tell me why I can't have it, why I should play it safe, and live a life that I can survive. Judas wants me to have a life that's neutrally comfortable.
I don't want comfort. I've had comfort and it got boring. Nothing happens when I'm comfortable. I go to work, maybe I work longer for a little more money, then I go home and watch TV or play on the computer. At the end of the day, comfort gets me nothing...
Except survival. I get to survive my life.
But that's not what I'm up to. I want more. I want it all. I want to drive with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair with my favourite person in the whole world sitting beside me. We'd talk about everything and nothing. There would be laughter and tears and no matter what happened, it would all be perfect. I'd have the best job in the world, one where I could blaze the trails and make my mark, but above all else, make a difference in others' lives.
Those are my dreams, maybe not in excruciating detail, but there they are. Judas would like me to play it safe, but I just can't have that anymore.
Raul Julia asked "If not now, when? If not you, who?"
The time is now. The person to do it is me.
I am the possibility of being astonishingly stunning.
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
Posted by KinCross at October 6, 2005 12:52 AM
Comments
my thoughts, exactly. How bizarre.
One little note though: Having left comfort to accomplish those things I find the becoming process all the more difficult. The longer you've been comfortable, the harder it is to:
A. Decide to make the change.
B. Recover from your decision.
It seems as if the happiness derived is in adverse proportion of the years you've lived comfortably to this point. (imho)
Posted by: Jim at October 7, 2005 12:05 PM
Careful - you do know what happened to the last soaring leaf...
Posted by: Plain Jane at October 11, 2005 09:39 AM
It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make if it means saving the ones I love.
Posted by: Ian at October 11, 2005 10:11 AM